Did I really have a son?
Or was it a lovely dream?
Did he really die?
Or was that a nightmare?
Did I really use his name and image to create a mission?
Does that mission help thousands of kids every year in his honor?
I am not always sure.
Sometimes it feels like someone else’s life. As if I am imagining it….I am an actress in someone else’s play.
I can hear, see, smell him. I can close my eyes and play movies in my head from days gone by.
Then I open my eyes, live in the present and know it is okay.
I realize I still have a son…. frozen in time. A vivid memory of laughter and running and climbing and playful energy.
I smile because I realize that there really is an incredible organization spreading light and hope in his honor.
I am sure of it. The answer is yes. To all of it.
I say yes to every bit of it. Yes to feeling….all….of…it…the pain and the joy and the confusion. Yes to being alive and awake and not hiding from any of it.